Archive for Sad things

12th Pregnancy

Yes! 12! Can you believe it?? We weren’t planning on anymore, it just kinda happened – yes I know HOW ūüôā After trying for over a year for our 5th child, still breastfeeding, not even having regular periods, I just didn’t think pregnancy would happen so “easily”.

I’m now at 21 weeks. I have had 6 miscarriages and given birth 5 times to healthy girls.

I take Folic Acid and Baby Aspirin every day, but no Lovenox or other shots. I often thought that maybe MTHFR wasn’t the problem, that maybe I miscarry the boys, because we have 5 girls. Nothing else seemed to make sense. I miscarry when I take Folic Acid and Baby Aspirin and I carry to term when I don’t. It doesn’t make sense!

Imagine my surprise when we found out last week that this baby was a BOY! I really thought I couldn’t carry a boy and I was okay with that. A whole new world just opened up!!!

Anyway, I know I haven’t been blogging here or my other blog. I’ve been writing fiction books and taking care of my family. I do apologize for not being a better blogger. I still hope that between the blogs and information, I can help someone out there.

Have faith!!!!


Gardasil Vaccine

Please think twice about giving your child this vaccine. Do research!

My Heart Breaks

I found out this morning that a friend had passed away. I have known Todd since high school, although he was a few years older than me. He was my protector, my friend, my big brother. He kept me out of trouble Рeven put me in the trunk of his car once Рonly to keep me out of trouble!! LOL! He helped me through a lot of bad stuff.

We lost touch over the years and only recently – thanks to Facebook – did I find him again. And it was wonderful reconnecting with him, reminiscing, filling each other in about our families and new lives. He told me how proud of me he was (that I had turned out fairly normal). Even after 10+ years had passed, we had a special bond. I couldn’t wait to see him again and get one of his massive hugs. But, now, he’s gone… and that will never happen.

A heart attack took him away in his sleep while camping with a friend. A heart attack at the age of 37. Something nobody expects. I feel awful for his wife and son, what they must be going through. I cannot imagine losing my husband.

At least he died in his sleep…

July 11th

July 11th was my due date for the baby I lost back in November. I know the baby wouldn’t have come on that particular day, but it’s still hard. I know I will see my baby someday. I know s/he’s in Heaven and there is no better place than that.

I am so thankful for this pregnancy, just knowing this little snowflake is growing inside of me helped me get through the day.

Pregnancy Tests

I just wanted to blog about the pregnancy tests I took last time (in April). All the cheap internet tests I had showed a faint second line starting around 12dpo Рthe first couple took 1-2 hours to turn that way, the others were less than 10 minutes. Suprisingly, my hcg level at 18dpo was only 8, and the lines were still very very faint that day.

The two FRER tests I took were negative all this time. The last one I took at 20dpo was a little weird. The control line showed up right away and it was dark, but it was dotted. Not a straight complete line, but a straight dotted line.

I tried googling it and didn’t find anything about the control line being dotted. So, I don’t know if it was defective or not.

Of course, I ended up miscarrying, so none of the tests ever got darker. I did find it interesting how the cheap internet tests were faintly positive and the FRER wasn’t. And it was interesting that the first few tests I took didn’t turn positive until 1-2 hours later. And yet they were right. I have never had a false positive or an evaporation line. The lines I thought were evap lines were indeed faint positives.

My 5th Miscarriage Experience

If you’ve been following my blog, you know a while back I posted about all the different miscarriage experiences I’ve had. I wanted to add this one.

My LMP was 3/2/09. I ovulated around 3/19/09. At 11dpo, I took a pregnancy test. It was negative until 2 hours later. Then a faint line appeared. This kept happening, day after day. The line would come quicker, but still at or after the 5 minute mark and really really faint. It NEVER got darker!!! When I hit 18dpo (Monday), I had to see the doctor to get more progesterone. After her urine test was positive, they did blood work, but it only came back at an 8 and then two days later (Wednesday), a 3.

That same day (of the HCG count of 3), I started spotting brown stuff. It was mixed in with the progesterone, so it was weird looking. That continued through the day. The next day it was brown and a little pink. Then redder. It only got heavy for 12-18 hours. It was a dark red. On Saturday, I was bleeding, but not heavy, and I had this awful pressure on my cervix. I had to take a motrin, sit down and rest until it kicked in. That came and went until Monday. I never had any cramps or clots or a long period of heavy bleeding. In fact, this was lighter than a normal period, but with a HCG level of 3, I don’t think anything is “stuck” inside.

So, there was a total of 5 days of bleeding, but 4 of them were just spotting. No cramping, just cervix pressure. And – of course – a lot of emotions.


I finally heard from the nurse at the doctor’s office Thursday afternoon. They wanted me to come in so they could tell me the results and talk to me about them. I couldn’t drop everything and go in, but¬†I needed to confirm what I already knew. After convincing her, she told me my levels dropped to 3 (from 8) and¬†I could stop the progesterone. This officially meant it was over.

Even though I knew this was coming… it’s SO hard to get that confirmation. I feel so many things… frustration, sadness, anxiousness, loneliness. And what¬†I really need is a big hug!! A super big hug! Unfortunately, all of my friends live too far. As awesome as cyber hugs are,¬†they’re just not the same as a real physical hug with a shoulder to just cry on. I feel as though I need to be strong around the kids and hubby. He’s already stressed out, having me breakdown crying wouldn’t be good. I need someone to show up with a bag of Hershey Kisses and a shoulder…

The nurse told me the doctor wants me to come back in for an exam before she gives me any more meds – which is fine, although sometimes I wonder if it’s just the money they want. I think we’re going to not try for a cycle or two. We won’t use protection, just no meds or charting. Each month that goes by makes me want to be pregnant again more and more. I guess I’m learning patience. I just hope that God’s plan includes us having another baby. I don’t know how to tell if it doesn’t.

Sorry I didn’t get this out earlier… our second daughter turned 8 over the weekend and being Easter – well, it was busy. Kept my mind occupied, but it started to hit harder today…


Why does this keep happening near a holiday? My last miscarriage was days after my oldest’s birthday and days before Thanksgiving. Then I had to put on a happy face and cook a big dinner. This time, it’s a couple days before my 2nd child’s birthday and right before Easter. So, once again, I have to smile and cook a big dinner. All I want to do is go to bed for the weekend.

No more information from the doctor yet.

Empty Arms Once Again

Monday I went to the doctor. I had to give them a urine sample and then went into the exam room and waited 10-15 minutes. The doctor came in and said “Congratulations.”

Um… what???

She said “the test was positive.”

I said, “Really?”

She said, “Yeah.”

I said, “Are you sure?”

She laughed and said, “Yes, why don’t you believe it?”

So, I then explained that I had no symptoms and all the pregnancy tests I had taken were VERY faint and I mean VERY FAINT. The kind you really have to stare at for a long time and then a hint of a line shows up and you wonder if you just stared at it too long.

She did her exam and said that everything looked okay… ya know, inside. Then she said she would do blood work then and again on Wednesday. We’d go from there.

Later that night, I took another test. The same extremely faint line showed up, this time about 3 minutes after dipping it according to my husband. I refused to stand there and watch, but he really wanted me to test.

Later on that night, I checked my cervix (which still hurts) and found a pink streak through some of the CM. Is it due to the progesterone? the exam she gave me? or an impending miscarriage?

I got up this morning (Wednesday) and tested. I used 2 different tests. A FRER and a cheap internet one. The FRER was completely negative. The cheap internet one had the faintest of a¬†“shadow¬† line”, even more faint than the ones I took last week. Of course, this made my hope die.

A few hours later, I noticed some brown “stuff”. I called the doctor’s office and spoke with the nurse. It’s funny how she went from sounding cranky to sounding sympathetic. She said brown blood is old blood and doesn’t mean anything, she asked if I had cramping (nope, just cervix pressure), she asked if I had intercourse recently (nope, not since ovulation). After putting me on hold for a couple minutes, she came back and said there was nothing they could do for¬†a miscarriage – DUH! That I should just come in for my blood work and see if it goes up or down. I asked what my hcg level was on Monday. She told me… 8. Just 8. Not 108. Not 508. Not even 28. Just 8.¬† How does a pregnancy test pick up a level of 8????????

When I went in for my blood work, I asked to talk to a nurse to see if I should keep taking the progesterone and if I could just get a prescription for clomid now so I didn’t have to go back. The secretary called the nurse and when she got off the phone she tells me to go home, rest and wait for the results of today’s blood work. WTH? I asked my question and she stopped another nurse and asked her. The nurse says to take the progesterone until they tell me otherwise. She wasn’t very nice about it. Oh and no prescription for clomid until I get a negative test.

Tonight, the brown has some red mixed in. I know this is over and I hate waiting for it. Just hurry up and get on with it already!!!!!!!

I feel empty.

You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me!

Nope – not trying to conceive related!!!! Remember a few months ago, I blogged about a chemical called Melamine that was found to be in formula, well now they have found ROCKET FUEL in formula:

Seriously? Melamine and rocket fuel… YUMMY! What are these people thinking??????? And I don’t like how they won’t release which formulas it was found in. And it can be in our drinking water… wonderful. Put the two together and it can exceed what’s considered a safe dose for an adult. I can’t believe that ANY amount would be considered safe. YUCK!

Our world is going downhill. Things aren’t safe anymore. And most of us don’t do anything about it. Sure, there are companies trying to be more green, but their products are usually much more expensive. It’s hard to buy them, especially in today’s economy.

Pregnant ladies, new moms: PLEASE breastfeed. It’s really the BEST thing for your baby. And don’t forget, it’s never too late to start breastfeeding. Check out my older posts and you will find one all about relactating.

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